Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Hard

I feel alone. I forget I can come here and complain and it can be read or ignored. I need to remember I have an outlet.


It has been a year since my life pretty much took a complete 180. In a few days my grandfather will have passed away one year ago and soon it will be the year mark to the passing of my mother. Seriously it feels like its been a week only. I miss her so much still my heart hurts. It is getting harder NOT easier. I don't really know anyone else who lost so much so close together like my sister and I did that I don't have anyone to share with. I don't even think my husband realizes how awful I am doing. I am pretty good at putting on the fake face and just getting through the day. After I take my daughter to pre-school I go to the gym and then I usually sit in the bathroom to cry and let it all out and then go on as if everything is fine. I don't think everyone fully realizes what its like to watch your mother suffer for years then watch her suffer a million times worse the last two weeks. The images do not leave my mind ever. It is not fair that she had to suffer so much. She would have given anything for my sister and I and her grand babies. She knew me so well. What I liked and hated and I could call her about anything. Now there is NO ONE. My dad doesn't call or seem to care about us the rest of my moms family is suffering in their own way that they are not there for us. I need my mom!!!! My GOD she drove me crazy but she loved me and would have done anything for me at anytime. I can't stop crying today. All the feelings I was having this time a year ago are just flooding back and the pain seems so recent and so real like I am living it again. One wish would be to go back in time and spend more time with her. And not just one day. I am selfish I want more then one day. I want them all. I HATE CANCER!!! I HATE IT SO MUCH!!! I want to feel normal again. I want to not be sad and not have to fake my way through the day. I just want my mom back.