Hard

I feel alone. I forget I can come here and complain and it can be read or ignored. I need to remember I have an outlet.

It has been a year since my life pretty much took a complete 180. In a few days my grandfather will have passed away one year ago and soon it will be the year mark to the passing of my mother. Seriously it feels like its been a week only. I miss her so much still my heart hurts. It is getting harder NOT easier. I don't really know anyone else who lost so much so close together like my sister and I did that I don't have anyone to share with. I don't even think my husband realizes how awful I am doing. I am pretty good at putting on the fake face and just getting through the day. After I take my daughter to pre-school I go to the gym and then I usually sit in the bathroom to cry and let it all out and then go on as if everything is fine. I don't think everyone fully realizes what its like to watch your mother suffer for years then watch her suffer a million times worse the last two weeks. The images do not leave my mind ever. It is not fair that she had to suffer so much. She would have given anything for my sister and I and her grand babies. She knew me so well. What I liked and hated and I could call her about anything. Now there is NO ONE. My dad doesn't call or seem to care about us the rest of my moms family is suffering in their own way that they are not there for us. I need my mom!!!! My GOD she drove me crazy but she loved me and would have done anything for me at anytime. I can't stop crying today. All the feelings I was having this time a year ago are just flooding back and the pain seems so recent and so real like I am living it again. One wish would be to go back in time and spend more time with her. And not just one day. I am selfish I want more then one day. I want them all. I HATE CANCER!!! I HATE IT SO MUCH!!! I want to feel normal again. I want to not be sad and not have to fake my way through the day. I just want my mom back.

Getting out of bed

Today was a very hard day for me. It took me 4 hours to even be able to function this morning without tears. But I got up and did all the PTO stuff for my son's school and made plans for an engagement party I am throwing this weekend and during this time smiled and laughed with all the people I saw along the way. All I really wanted to do was crawl under a rock. I wish I could fall apart and be weak. I wish I could just cry all my days and not worry about what needs to be done. But I can't! I made dinner, did homework,baths, read books and cleaned up. I don't understand how people can see me and not know that inside I am losing it and screaming. I feel like what I am doing is so fake someone should notice. I wish that I had someone at the end of the day to say "I know it was hard to put that smile on your face today but now it's just me and you can fall apart, it's ok." But I don't get to fall apart and I want more then ever to do so. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY MOM!

Thought for the day

I want a nap and a nanny :) Just thought I would share!

I am trying to navigate through motherhood with grace, dignity and most important SANITY! I don't know how well I am doing?

There are days where I feel like I am getting the hang of this motherhood hobby I have taken on. The kids throw fits and don't do as they are told, but I keep my cool and try to talk to them with reason. Then there are other days where I just end up in my bedroom closet crying so much that the glow on my face is not from being happy but from my face being covered in wet tears. But no matter the day I get up, brush my teeth and on a good day I actually put on clothes instead of staying in my pajamas all day. Now be aware this is about as rare occasion as Rosie O'Donnell turning down food. But it's been known to happen.

In the whole project of turning these adorable little blessings I have into grown people who will soon be able to live on their own, I miss my husband. I miss our alone time. I miss that we never took extravagant trips together or experienced something truly life changing. Ok, ok, ok having a child is life changing, I know, it's just, well. Some people have these extraordinary stories to tell! Trips they took together, things they learned. And they can share it all. Michael and I have great stories about our children and our time with friends but where is OUR time. I wish when we were younger we didn't hang out with our friends so much and we went and did our own things without them. I wish we traveled!! Oh how I wish we traveled. and I could not think of a better person I would want to experience new places or things then with Michael. He is so funny. He keeps me laughing ALL the time. And when I look at him, he still takes my breath away. How did I get such an amazing good looking man?? Me, the bitch that I am.

Michael has this patience about him that I envy. And he see's the good in EVERYTHING!!!! Even in me somehow. I get to the point where I can't even see it in me anymore and doesn't even look like he has to look hard and he finds it and brings it out. I hope our children grow to be the kind of adult he is. I would be the luckiest mother EVER!!! I just wish I could have kept him all to myself a little while longer, but someday we will have our time. Soon, TOO SOON, our kids will be grown and we will have our time. And I know when it comes I will look into his eyes and love him even more then I did the day we got married. I just know it. Michael is like a good wine, he just keeps getting better with age.

Sneaking Away

So Valentines day has come and gone. Thank God it's over. It's not that I hate Valentines Day it's just more that I expect too much from it and get let down. I don't know why I do this to myself every year. They need to just demolish the stupid holiday altogether. If the unromantic husbands don't get it by then they never will. LOL

But a few days before the Hallmark holiday we did manage to sneak away for a dinner. I was so excited to enjoy a 5 course french style meal with wine pairing and good company, my husband. Well the company was good at least. We went to Kokopelli winery in Chandler. The wine was delicious and so were the entrees, but for $60 per person, NOT WORTH THE MONEY!!!! The wine pairing samples were pretty much one sip and the cheese and bread app and the crab bisque were not a delicious gourmet meal I was wanting. So we were disappointed. On the bright side Michael and I did get some alone time together and enjoyed laughs and some sneaky kisses here and there.

After dinner we headed home. No matter the night or the meal we got some alone time together and that was truly all I have wanted for a long time. Hopefully it won't be too long before we get that time together again.

My Dreams

So I am sitting here watching American Idol for the first time and I think I have figured out why I don't watch it normally. Jealousy! I never really had a chance to go after my dreams. Well, maybe I just didn't try hard enough to chase after my dreams. I got pregnant and fell in love and just stopped. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband and my kids, but I still wonder what else could be out there for me. I was so young when my life became all about somebody else. Ever since I found out I was pregnant with Mikey my whole life became about nothing but him!! And then marriage and two more kids and my life continues to revolve around 4 other people that are not me. Maybe it sounds selfish to say that, but it's true. What I want is always last and unimportant. I don't even get to go to the bathroom myself let alone leave them to go off and chase something I have dreamed about since I was a little girl! LOL I remember when I used to get all dressed up in my room and lock my door, pull out my pretend microphone and just belt it out! I would dance around and sing my butt off like no one was watching. Well of course I would, no one was watching. I used to even pretend I was a guest on a talk show. LOL I would do the whole walk out waving and then sit down and answer fake questions that only I could hear being asked and then laugh like there really was an audience out there enjoying this banter between me and a talk show host.

But that is all over for me now. I am 28 years old and I am living the life I will live forever. Is it a bad life? No way! But it's not everything I always wanted. But in life we don't always all get what we want, do we? Michael loves me more then anything, but he would never put everything on hold or take care of all the things here at home so I could chase my dream. Maybe that is selfish of him or maybe it's just because he knows what I should finally come to terms with- Life is Life, not a dream.

Family Day/Night rescheduled

Well since our normal Friday night family night was cancelled, we moved it to Saturday and did not enjoy it just that evening, but during the day also.

The morning started off with me in the kitchen making biscuits and gravy and eggs for breakfast. It was the first time I attempted homemade gravy and it was decent. It was missing a little something but with practice I am sure I will get it perfect soon. Everyone ate it up like crazy and seemed to enjoy it.

After breakfast Mikey and I took a quick detour to the doctor to pick up his meds for the croup he caught from his sisters. During our little outing Michael washed his truck outside with some help from his two favorite girls. The cute ones. :)

Once we were all done with the needed activities, I was once again in the kitchen making lunch. Sometimes I feel like I should just move my bed in the kitchen. I wonder if I could find a bed set to match? Any who we all enjoyed the best sandwiches ever made. If I do say so myself.

After a relaxing bit on the couch off we went on a family run!! Yes that is right a FAMILY run. Mikey on a scooter, Sarah and Elizabeth in the jogging stroller while I pushed and Michael ready to take it on. So off we went. And a mile and a half later we did it!!! Now a mile and a half is not a great feat for me, but for my husband who till yesterday had never run a full mile a day in his life it was a welcoming accomplishment. I was so proud of him and I could tell by looking at him that he felt just as pleased with himself.

After we all showered and got cleaned up we were off to dinner. We were so excited to enjoy some delicious stir-fry at Mongolian Grill. Then came the disappointment of the day -IT WAS CLOSED!!! Now we have not been there in a long time but we were so bummed. There were no other stir-fry restaurants that could even compare to this place and we were all so upset. So as a second choice we headed over to Red Lobster. I remember Red Lobster used to actually taste good enough for the price. No so much anymore. But it was still nice. The kids behaved like angels and Sarah was happy as could be to be surrounded by shrimp and mushrooms.

So stomachs full we headed home for Wii tournaments!! After some great games of Mario and Kart and Bowling (which everyone played with no fighting) the day was over. Everyone went to bed happy. It was such a nice day I really did not want it to end. The memories made on this day are the ones I want my kids to remember forever. And there will be plenty more memories to come.