I am trying to navigate through motherhood with grace, dignity and most important SANITY! I don't know how well I am doing?

There are days where I feel like I am getting the hang of this motherhood hobby I have taken on. The kids throw fits and don't do as they are told, but I keep my cool and try to talk to them with reason. Then there are other days where I just end up in my bedroom closet crying so much that the glow on my face is not from being happy but from my face being covered in wet tears. But no matter the day I get up, brush my teeth and on a good day I actually put on clothes instead of staying in my pajamas all day. Now be aware this is about as rare occasion as Rosie O'Donnell turning down food. But it's been known to happen.

In the whole project of turning these adorable little blessings I have into grown people who will soon be able to live on their own, I miss my husband. I miss our alone time. I miss that we never took extravagant trips together or experienced something truly life changing. Ok, ok, ok having a child is life changing, I know, it's just, well. Some people have these extraordinary stories to tell! Trips they took together, things they learned. And they can share it all. Michael and I have great stories about our children and our time with friends but where is OUR time. I wish when we were younger we didn't hang out with our friends so much and we went and did our own things without them. I wish we traveled!! Oh how I wish we traveled. and I could not think of a better person I would want to experience new places or things then with Michael. He is so funny. He keeps me laughing ALL the time. And when I look at him, he still takes my breath away. How did I get such an amazing good looking man?? Me, the bitch that I am.

Michael has this patience about him that I envy. And he see's the good in EVERYTHING!!!! Even in me somehow. I get to the point where I can't even see it in me anymore and doesn't even look like he has to look hard and he finds it and brings it out. I hope our children grow to be the kind of adult he is. I would be the luckiest mother EVER!!! I just wish I could have kept him all to myself a little while longer, but someday we will have our time. Soon, TOO SOON, our kids will be grown and we will have our time. And I know when it comes I will look into his eyes and love him even more then I did the day we got married. I just know it. Michael is like a good wine, he just keeps getting better with age.

Sneaking Away

So Valentines day has come and gone. Thank God it's over. It's not that I hate Valentines Day it's just more that I expect too much from it and get let down. I don't know why I do this to myself every year. They need to just demolish the stupid holiday altogether. If the unromantic husbands don't get it by then they never will. LOL

But a few days before the Hallmark holiday we did manage to sneak away for a dinner. I was so excited to enjoy a 5 course french style meal with wine pairing and good company, my husband. Well the company was good at least. We went to Kokopelli winery in Chandler. The wine was delicious and so were the entrees, but for $60 per person, NOT WORTH THE MONEY!!!! The wine pairing samples were pretty much one sip and the cheese and bread app and the crab bisque were not a delicious gourmet meal I was wanting. So we were disappointed. On the bright side Michael and I did get some alone time together and enjoyed laughs and some sneaky kisses here and there.

After dinner we headed home. No matter the night or the meal we got some alone time together and that was truly all I have wanted for a long time. Hopefully it won't be too long before we get that time together again.

My Dreams

So I am sitting here watching American Idol for the first time and I think I have figured out why I don't watch it normally. Jealousy! I never really had a chance to go after my dreams. Well, maybe I just didn't try hard enough to chase after my dreams. I got pregnant and fell in love and just stopped. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband and my kids, but I still wonder what else could be out there for me. I was so young when my life became all about somebody else. Ever since I found out I was pregnant with Mikey my whole life became about nothing but him!! And then marriage and two more kids and my life continues to revolve around 4 other people that are not me. Maybe it sounds selfish to say that, but it's true. What I want is always last and unimportant. I don't even get to go to the bathroom myself let alone leave them to go off and chase something I have dreamed about since I was a little girl! LOL I remember when I used to get all dressed up in my room and lock my door, pull out my pretend microphone and just belt it out! I would dance around and sing my butt off like no one was watching. Well of course I would, no one was watching. I used to even pretend I was a guest on a talk show. LOL I would do the whole walk out waving and then sit down and answer fake questions that only I could hear being asked and then laugh like there really was an audience out there enjoying this banter between me and a talk show host.

But that is all over for me now. I am 28 years old and I am living the life I will live forever. Is it a bad life? No way! But it's not everything I always wanted. But in life we don't always all get what we want, do we? Michael loves me more then anything, but he would never put everything on hold or take care of all the things here at home so I could chase my dream. Maybe that is selfish of him or maybe it's just because he knows what I should finally come to terms with- Life is Life, not a dream.

Family Day/Night rescheduled

Well since our normal Friday night family night was cancelled, we moved it to Saturday and did not enjoy it just that evening, but during the day also.

The morning started off with me in the kitchen making biscuits and gravy and eggs for breakfast. It was the first time I attempted homemade gravy and it was decent. It was missing a little something but with practice I am sure I will get it perfect soon. Everyone ate it up like crazy and seemed to enjoy it.

After breakfast Mikey and I took a quick detour to the doctor to pick up his meds for the croup he caught from his sisters. During our little outing Michael washed his truck outside with some help from his two favorite girls. The cute ones. :)

Once we were all done with the needed activities, I was once again in the kitchen making lunch. Sometimes I feel like I should just move my bed in the kitchen. I wonder if I could find a bed set to match? Any who we all enjoyed the best sandwiches ever made. If I do say so myself.

After a relaxing bit on the couch off we went on a family run!! Yes that is right a FAMILY run. Mikey on a scooter, Sarah and Elizabeth in the jogging stroller while I pushed and Michael ready to take it on. So off we went. And a mile and a half later we did it!!! Now a mile and a half is not a great feat for me, but for my husband who till yesterday had never run a full mile a day in his life it was a welcoming accomplishment. I was so proud of him and I could tell by looking at him that he felt just as pleased with himself.

After we all showered and got cleaned up we were off to dinner. We were so excited to enjoy some delicious stir-fry at Mongolian Grill. Then came the disappointment of the day -IT WAS CLOSED!!! Now we have not been there in a long time but we were so bummed. There were no other stir-fry restaurants that could even compare to this place and we were all so upset. So as a second choice we headed over to Red Lobster. I remember Red Lobster used to actually taste good enough for the price. No so much anymore. But it was still nice. The kids behaved like angels and Sarah was happy as could be to be surrounded by shrimp and mushrooms.

So stomachs full we headed home for Wii tournaments!! After some great games of Mario and Kart and Bowling (which everyone played with no fighting) the day was over. Everyone went to bed happy. It was such a nice day I really did not want it to end. The memories made on this day are the ones I want my kids to remember forever. And there will be plenty more memories to come.

A Better Night

Friday night is family night here at the Downs home, but last night Michael and I were both beat! So we put them in our room with one of the new un-opened movies they got for Christmas and their big green tin filled with numerous flavors of popcorn they received from two of their favorite people, Kelli and Paul. Needless to say they seemed totally ok with the change and they open the lid to see all of the deliciousness in front of them.

Michael and I then took our places in the living room on the couch for some much needed breathing time. It was a long day to say the least. After about 30 minutes the girls slowly creep their way out of the room and onto the couch. Elizabeth is whining like crazy and seems so tired. She and Sarah both got croup this week, but Elizabeth got the worst part of it with the high fever and restlessness and all. So off to bed the girls went so they could get to feeling better sooner rather then later.

Then there was one! Mikey stayed quietly in our room watching Night at the Museum 2. He did at one point come running out saying "Dad, you have to come see this" Michael replies with " See what Mikey, what is it" " Dad he's white and it starts with an L" Michael says to him confused and with a bit of frustration "What are you talking about?" and then so excited and with a huge smile on his face he says "It's Abraham Lincoln. And he is so big and talking and alive and white" We busted up laughing so hard. Why was the white thrown in there so much?? We still don't know, but I think he just seemed to be excited to see something on a movie that he knew all about. No confusion as to who this historical figure was.

After the movie Mikey came walking out with the big green tin can of popcorn in hand. "It's over" he says to me. I said "ok then it's time for bed" Now this is where the usual temper tantrum starts and off he goes for 20 minutes and it's one of the most stressful times of the day. But this time was different, he wrapped his arms around my neck and squeezed so tight and said "Good-Night Mom, I love you" all I could say with this look of confusion and happiness was "I love you too" Then he jumped on Daddy's lap and off they went with their normal airplane flight to bed.

After what seemed to be such an awful two day with his behavior, this was such a welcoming change. It made me feel for just a split second that maybe I am doing one thing right. I just wish I knew what it was so I could keep doing it~ But as I write this early the next morning I just tell myself it's Saturday and he is going to ask again to go to his football game and his friends birthday party. Neither of which he can attend due to his behavior. Will he throw a fit and end up in his room kicking walls and doors or will he start to see that there are consequences for bad behavior and no matter how hard it hurts Mom and Dad we have to stick to our guns? I am hoping he goes with the second choice.

Early Bed=Early Morning

So all the crying I did yesterday made me exhausted! So at 7:45 after the kiddos were in bed, off I went. But it was not the kind of sleep I was hoping for. I had nightmares about us getting kicked out of our home because the payments have just become too much. My kids would not stop fighting and yelling at each other, and I was still fat.

Well when I woke up reality seemed to match it dead on. At 5:30 am I find Mikey watching T.V.!!! I asked him 'why are you up so early??' And he said 'because I wanted to watch this'. Not 5 minutes later Elizabeth is awake and wants to watch something different. Mikey's show has ended by now , but of course he throws a fit. I tell him "Mikey you just watched your show, now let Elizabeth have a turn" ( at this point I still have no idea why the kids are up so early, but thinking they should still be in bed) He continues to fight it and starts in with his temper tantrums. The uncontrollable on the floor crazed out kind where he loses all self-control. So I send him to his room and he continues with bad choices. He turns on the hall light and the Jack and Jill bathroom light and opens the door to Sarah's room so the light will spill in. She starts and crying and says "Mikey I am sleeping turn off the lights" he chimes back "no Sarah I want them on" So here comes mommy to the rescue to turn off the lights and already in tears because it's 5:30 am and my son is already starting with his bad choices.

I am losing my sanity. Is it my parenting? My girls don't act like this. I have no idea how to change it or what steps to make it go away. I just need it to go away. I am losing any part of myself I used to be. And I am losing the happiness of being a mom. I am lost. So absolutely lost.

Why do others make it look so easy?

As I walk around my son's school and see parents dropping off and picking up, I always say to myself, WOW they make it look so easy. Parents leave the parent/teacher conference's with a huge smile on their face and nodding in agreement about how great it went and how special their child is.

I always ask myself, "Why does their child seem so well rounded?" "Do they never have to yell?" "Does their child just do what is asked of them?"

I am so torn. I am failing as a parent. My child cannot seem to get anything right at school, he doesn't follow a simple direction. I will put him in his room for the rest of the day when he has a bad day and he comes out in less then a minute. Or I will find him hiding in my room watching T.V. I have tried so hard not to yell and to keep my cool, but sometimes it's so hard. I just want him to listen to me. I love him so much. And he really is so sweet. Why can't he be like that all time? Why can't he always be so sweet and gentle. I will see him helping Elizabeth sometimes with something and he is so gentle and patient. When Sarah had a headache he wrote her a note telling her he was sorry she had a headache and wanted her to feel better. Why can't this be him ALL the time??

I don't like that it's easy for others. That their kids just behave. What are they doing right and I am doing wrong?? Someone please tell me. I dread the day that my husband becomes one of those men where as he walks up to the door he double thinks weather he should open it or not. One day he will just stop coming home until the kids are in bed so he no longer has to deal with it.

I feel all alone. And yes I am throwing a pity party. We went to church EVERY Sunday and nothing. We still are struggling financially, my children still won't listen and my husband still looks at pictures of models in bikini's. I have tried everything to make it better and it seems as if nothing is helping and I have no one to talk to. I put on the fake smile and continue with PTO at school and cleaning the house and cooking dinner and doing everything so that my kids will feel loved and my husband won't leave. But in the midst of all of this I feel alone and sad and abandoned.